Who you gonna call?

Angels, apparitions, demons, djinn, ghosts, ghouls, goblins, gremlins, phantasms, phantoms, poltergeists, possessions, presences, shades, spectres, spirits, spooks, and the good old bogeyman.

Basically anything that goes bump in the night, somebody somewhere has come up with a name for it. And different groups of people came up with these different names because they all want to claim ownership, knowledge, and ultimately charge you for their expertise in banishing them. To further give them that illusion of power and keep you coming back for more. And almost every society has their own hero in this area, their so called ‘specialists’.

A priest, an exorcist, a witch, a witch doctor (sexism, the male version automatically gets a PhD), a ghost hunter, a paranormalist (a word that spell check doesn’t even recognise), a spiritualist, the mojo man, lucky charms, sacrifices, a shaman, a mystic, a medium, a telepathist, a clairvoyant, a psychic, power of prayer, a sorcerer, a necromancer, a druid, and good old M. Knight Shyamalan.

How can any of this make sense and possibly be real?? Who believes in this shit? And if you do, do you believe all of it? Because by that logic if you believe in one, you should believe them all. “Angels and ghosts, yeah. But gremlins? Come on, get real!” It’s really shocking the number of people that believe in ghostly beings. And for some reason they are nearly always evil. Casper aside you never really hear of a friendly ghost. And why? So that the specialists can come and save the day of course! If all you ever heard about were jolly ghosts that help you reach the top shelf and remember to turn the lights off when you leave the house, these guys would be out of business. Misery makes money.

And anyway, what’s the pecking order here? Who gets jurisdiction over what? Can a clairvoyant banish a poltergeist? Can a ghost hunter free you from a goblin? What are they going to say? “Excuse me, I’m a level three demon, I’ll need to see some qualifications first.” Heck, why not call an exterminator and clear your house of everything else while you’re at it??

And religion… there’s a whole other set of variables! Suppose you live near the Gaza Strip and are being haunted, do you call the Rabbi or an Imam? Who takes authority here, the religion of the home owner? Majority religion of the residential district? Cultural background of previous tenants? Vicinity to a temple, church, mosque, or synagogue?

Suppose you’re a practicing Buddhist, you buy a house built on an ancient Indian burial ground, end up being haunted by a Rastafarian ghost, and there’s a Catholic priest knocking on your door… Who gets precedent here? Which ceremony do you carry out??? The answer is easy.

Who you gonna call? The police or your insurance company, because you either have a burglar or bad plumbing.

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