If I was white…

I am born and raised in the UK. My parents were born and raised in India. So, taking that into consideration, if I was white, these are the questions I would ask myself:

Are you Muslim?

Going straight into it, eh? No, I’m not. Does that matter?

Depends who you ask. Anyone who sees a brown male aged 20-40 asks themselves the same question.

Non-Muslim brown men have the same thoughts as well you know. And we also have the same afterthought.

Even if you are, what does that mean, what do we do, and what difference does it make?


Well, it could at least keep us on our toes. Watch out for any suspicious behaviour.

Shouldn’t you be doing that anyway?

That’s… that’s actually a very good point. Does this mean the white version of you isn’t as smart as the brown version of you?

I’m not sure if there’s any smart version of me.

Maybe we should move away from all that stereotype, cliché stuff.

Good idea.

Are you getting an arranged marriage?

I knew it…

Did your parents get an arranged marriage? Did everyone in your family get an arranged marriage? (PAUSE) Just what the heck is an arranged marriage?!

Answer to your first question is no. Answer to your second question is yes. Answer to your third question is, pretty much, yes. And to your last question is, well… These days it’s a bit mixed. Nowadays it’s more of a fix-up, an introduction. Matchmaking. You see how you get on, and if it’s not really working, you get introduced to another person. And so on.

Oh? So it’s just like dating in the Western world, except the families are involved a bit more?

Yeah. The word “arranged” implies that we don’t have a choice, which is pretty rare these days. That’s where you’re pretty much told who you’re going to marry and you don’t have a choice in the matter. It’s more common in Asia, though a small minority still do that in the West.

What the heck is a ‘small minority’? Isn’t that the same as saying ‘minority’? …Sorry, the white version of you is just as smart-alecky

I also notice the white version of me also says ‘what the heck’ a lot.

The white version has decided he’s more refined.

Bollocks to that!

So anyway, going back to the arranged marriage thing. Is sex before marriage allowed? Do the girls have to be virgins before they are married off?

We operate a ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy as far as that is concerned. That’s a whole other powder keg no one wants to open.

How the heck do you open a powder keg?! I think you confusing with Pandora’s Box

Shut up.

So who does the fixing up? The parents?

It varies. Can be an aunt or an uncle as well, it’s a big honour. They’re called the bechola. Sort of like the Asian version of Cilla Black.

Nice 90s reference, not sure if anyone will get it. But anyway, so this bechola person in theory is setting up sex between these two people. Especially if she knows she’s a virgin. They’re the one deciding who gets to pop her cherry?

That’s one way of looking at it. A creepy and perverted way of looking at it… Then again, look who’s talking.

So the bechola is basically a pimp?

(PAUSE) Let’s change the subject shall we?

Does all your family live in the same house?

Ah, another wonderfully accurate cliché! Again it depends; depends on the size of the family, the income, the age of all the kids.

Then how does everyone have sex?

God, this is really all I think about, isn’t it?!

OK, let’s try something else. Why do you wear turbans?

Sikhs wear turbans. Well, some do. The idea is to keep the hair long so that the body remains just as God made it. For men and women to remain pure. Except they clip their fingernails and toenails, get tattoos, wear makeup, wear clothing in general, wear glasses, get piercings, and rub this weird cream all over their body before they get married so that their skin looks lighter.

It’s nice to know Asian religions are full of head scratching, dumb-ass contradictions just as much as Western religions.

Amen to that!

Do you always eat curry? And why do you sometimes smell like curry?

You know you love it as well, so don’t criticise.

If you marry a white girl do you have to convert her religion?

Can never turn that off, can you? No, I don’t have to convert her religion. (PAUSE) And go ask a Musl…

What about Muslims?

….Go ask a Muslim!

Why are cows holy? It’s ‘cos they give milk like a mother figure, right?


What if you’re lactose intolerant? That milk aint holy to me, it’ll kill my ass!

And that cow is also delicious to eat. But I guess millions of Indians prefer to starve to death when a beef burger literally walks in front of their eyes.

Why does your country allow rape?

Is that meant to be satire?

I don’t even know anymore. It’s sickening enough just to think about it.

All I can say is in order to stop men thinking with their dicks, you need to kick them in the balls.

What I don’t get is, you have the Kama Sutra, the world’s second largest population, lots of kids in each family, women being harassed all the time. Clearly your culture loves sex, but no one wants to talk about it?!

Tell me about it. One of the world’s oldest cultures, and sex is still treated like the elephant in the room. They can turn an elephant into a God, but they can’t, you know… Make that elephant into… Damn! I thought I had a good metaphor there!

That reminds me, tell me everything you know about yoga.

Everything? OK… it’s spelt Y-O-G-A

Then tell me everything you know about the Kama Sutra.

Its spelt K-A-M…

Will an Indian girl be allowed go out with me?

You’ll be lucky if any girl goes out with you!


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