I’m all for helping the victims of the Ebola virus, but can I donate without having to listen to that shitty Band Aid song?!

Why does giving to charity always have to be wrapped in a gimmick before the public will donate their money? Whenever there is a natural disaster, celebrities are quick to release a charity single to help raise money. Why? Are people really not going to donate anything unless they get something in return?? “Yeah, I’m thinking about donating to the aid relief, I’m just waiting for the song to come out first. All the best natural disasters have a soundtrack”. I don’t know who’s worse, the rich celebrities jumping on the charity bandwagon, or the public who will only react and help their fellow man when the beautiful, shiny people on the TV box tell them about it.

When Princess Diana died and Candle in the Wind was released, I remember seeing a news story of huge crowds waiting outside store fronts panic buying CDs. I specifically remember seeing an hysterical looking woman grabbing an armful off the shelf. An armful! What the hell is she doing, stock piling in case of an apocalypse?! Was she going go build her own Diana out of compact discs?! Conduct some weird voodoo resurrect-the-dead ceremony?! You want to donate to the landmine victims that badly? Then donate straight to their organisation rather than clogging up your attic with one of Elton John’s most boring singles! Does anyone still actually listen to that?!

I also don’t get the weird and wacky fund-raising activities people do. Shaving their heads, sponsored silence, running marathons, etc. Forget all that, just say you’re raising money! Why make an idiot of yourself. “I’m raising money for breast cancer by sitting in a bathtub of baked beans for four hours.” Why?? That sounds awful! I’ll give you some money, just cut the bullshit! Is this for charity or for your ego? Do you want to tell people you helped raise money for cancer, or that you helped raised money by doing blah blah blah? You want the blah blah blah, because that way you sound cool, interesting, and fun. And you need something to put on Facebook. You want to stink of tomato sauce that badly, then do it in your own time without charging me first!

But that’s clearly not enough. As with everything now we need a brand, a name, a stunt, a spokesperson. Charity is a product just like everything else. Want an example? Look at how many different cancer charities there are. I realise there are different types of cancer, but there are way more cancer charities. We’re the cancer charity with a sports star as our mascot. We’re the cancer charity with the pink ribbons. We’re the cancer charity with the cool logo. And we’re all in competition with each other. Rather than pool their resources, they all want to be the ones to find the cure first just so they can say “I did it! Not them, me!”


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