Things that only men are capable of:

  • Sending men to the moon but not knowing how a dishwasher works
  • Being unable to tell the difference between an alleyway and a urinal
  • Honking their car horn when they see an attractive woman on the street.
  • Believe in the theory that if they honk their car horn in the street that women will instantly kick off their heels, run after you, and offer an instant blowjob.
  • Create amazing new forms of technology… and instantly figure out how to get porn on it
  • Create Ponzi schemes
  • Be promiscuous without being whores, apparently
  • Touching women on public transport in an inappropriate manner thinking “but look how she’s dressed” is an actual get out clause
  • Be God’s prophets, apparently
  • Creating female superheroes with big breasts only
  • Feeling the need to ‘prove’ their masculinity, even though women don’t need to prove their femininity
  • Genocide
  • Bringing a firearm into a high school
  • Thinking sperm is sacred
  • Be the number one perpetrator in every form of serious and violent crime
  • Inventing a date rape drug
  • Be a box-office draw in Hollywood after the age of forty
  • Be in a Hollywood movie where it is acceptable for your love interest to be half your age
  • Fail in a YouTube video involving a scooter, skateboard, dirt bike, bicycle, etc.
  • Cause every major war in history. Ever

Rush Limbaugh vs black James Bond

“He was white and Scottish, period. That is who James Bond is,”

Hell yeah! We all know what this completely fictional character’s ethnicity is! In the completely fictional novels, and fictional movies which portray a sense of realism through their use of lethal gadgets, super villains, and totally believable character names like Pussy Galore. But a black guy in England? Get real!

But let’s not stop there! I want a real cyborg to play the next Terminator, not these ‘hip’ humans they keep casting for the foreign markets! And I want real, actual turtles in the next Ninja Turtles movie! None of this tortoise bullshit, real turtles!

Does he really think a black Bond will change things? What does he think he will say? “The name’s Bond, James Bond…motherfucker! Blap-blap-blap!”

And he also offended that Charlton Heston played Moses in The Ten Commandments? Or that Samuel L Jackson is playing Nick Fury when in the Marvel comics he is white? And that Johnny Depp played Tonto? Tell you what, if they ever make a Rush Limbaugh biopic I’ll be offended if they cast anyone other than an actual slug. A slimy, frothing, actual slug. Because that is who Rush is, period.

(…thinking about it, anyone else reckon he would make a great Bond villain?!)

If I was white…

I am born and raised in the UK. My parents were born and raised in India. So, taking that into consideration, if I was white, these are the questions I would ask myself:

Are you Muslim?

Going straight into it, eh? No, I’m not. Does that matter?

Depends who you ask. Anyone who sees a brown male aged 20-40 asks themselves the same question.

Non-Muslim brown men have the same thoughts as well you know. And we also have the same afterthought.

Even if you are, what does that mean, what do we do, and what difference does it make?


Well, it could at least keep us on our toes. Watch out for any suspicious behaviour.

Shouldn’t you be doing that anyway?

That’s… that’s actually a very good point. Does this mean the white version of you isn’t as smart as the brown version of you?

I’m not sure if there’s any smart version of me.

Maybe we should move away from all that stereotype, cliché stuff.

Good idea.

Are you getting an arranged marriage?

I knew it…

Did your parents get an arranged marriage? Did everyone in your family get an arranged marriage? (PAUSE) Just what the heck is an arranged marriage?!

Answer to your first question is no. Answer to your second question is yes. Answer to your third question is, pretty much, yes. And to your last question is, well… These days it’s a bit mixed. Nowadays it’s more of a fix-up, an introduction. Matchmaking. You see how you get on, and if it’s not really working, you get introduced to another person. And so on.

Oh? So it’s just like dating in the Western world, except the families are involved a bit more?

Yeah. The word “arranged” implies that we don’t have a choice, which is pretty rare these days. That’s where you’re pretty much told who you’re going to marry and you don’t have a choice in the matter. It’s more common in Asia, though a small minority still do that in the West.

What the heck is a ‘small minority’? Isn’t that the same as saying ‘minority’? …Sorry, the white version of you is just as smart-alecky

I also notice the white version of me also says ‘what the heck’ a lot.

The white version has decided he’s more refined.

Bollocks to that!

So anyway, going back to the arranged marriage thing. Is sex before marriage allowed? Do the girls have to be virgins before they are married off?

We operate a ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy as far as that is concerned. That’s a whole other powder keg no one wants to open.

How the heck do you open a powder keg?! I think you confusing with Pandora’s Box

Shut up.

So who does the fixing up? The parents?

It varies. Can be an aunt or an uncle as well, it’s a big honour. They’re called the bechola. Sort of like the Asian version of Cilla Black.

Nice 90s reference, not sure if anyone will get it. But anyway, so this bechola person in theory is setting up sex between these two people. Especially if she knows she’s a virgin. They’re the one deciding who gets to pop her cherry?

That’s one way of looking at it. A creepy and perverted way of looking at it… Then again, look who’s talking.

So the bechola is basically a pimp?

(PAUSE) Let’s change the subject shall we?

Does all your family live in the same house?

Ah, another wonderfully accurate cliché! Again it depends; depends on the size of the family, the income, the age of all the kids.

Then how does everyone have sex?

God, this is really all I think about, isn’t it?!

OK, let’s try something else. Why do you wear turbans?

Sikhs wear turbans. Well, some do. The idea is to keep the hair long so that the body remains just as God made it. For men and women to remain pure. Except they clip their fingernails and toenails, get tattoos, wear makeup, wear clothing in general, wear glasses, get piercings, and rub this weird cream all over their body before they get married so that their skin looks lighter.

It’s nice to know Asian religions are full of head scratching, dumb-ass contradictions just as much as Western religions.

Amen to that!

Do you always eat curry? And why do you sometimes smell like curry?

You know you love it as well, so don’t criticise.

If you marry a white girl do you have to convert her religion?

Can never turn that off, can you? No, I don’t have to convert her religion. (PAUSE) And go ask a Musl…

What about Muslims?

….Go ask a Muslim!

Why are cows holy? It’s ‘cos they give milk like a mother figure, right?


What if you’re lactose intolerant? That milk aint holy to me, it’ll kill my ass!

And that cow is also delicious to eat. But I guess millions of Indians prefer to starve to death when a beef burger literally walks in front of their eyes.

Why does your country allow rape?

Is that meant to be satire?

I don’t even know anymore. It’s sickening enough just to think about it.

All I can say is in order to stop men thinking with their dicks, you need to kick them in the balls.

What I don’t get is, you have the Kama Sutra, the world’s second largest population, lots of kids in each family, women being harassed all the time. Clearly your culture loves sex, but no one wants to talk about it?!

Tell me about it. One of the world’s oldest cultures, and sex is still treated like the elephant in the room. They can turn an elephant into a God, but they can’t, you know… Make that elephant into… Damn! I thought I had a good metaphor there!

That reminds me, tell me everything you know about yoga.

Everything? OK… it’s spelt Y-O-G-A

Then tell me everything you know about the Kama Sutra.

Its spelt K-A-M…

Will an Indian girl be allowed go out with me?

You’ll be lucky if any girl goes out with you!


I’m all for helping the victims of the Ebola virus, but can I donate without having to listen to that shitty Band Aid song?!

Why does giving to charity always have to be wrapped in a gimmick before the public will donate their money? Whenever there is a natural disaster, celebrities are quick to release a charity single to help raise money. Why? Are people really not going to donate anything unless they get something in return?? “Yeah, I’m thinking about donating to the aid relief, I’m just waiting for the song to come out first. All the best natural disasters have a soundtrack”. I don’t know who’s worse, the rich celebrities jumping on the charity bandwagon, or the public who will only react and help their fellow man when the beautiful, shiny people on the TV box tell them about it.

When Princess Diana died and Candle in the Wind was released, I remember seeing a news story of huge crowds waiting outside store fronts panic buying CDs. I specifically remember seeing an hysterical looking woman grabbing an armful off the shelf. An armful! What the hell is she doing, stock piling in case of an apocalypse?! Was she going go build her own Diana out of compact discs?! Conduct some weird voodoo resurrect-the-dead ceremony?! You want to donate to the landmine victims that badly? Then donate straight to their organisation rather than clogging up your attic with one of Elton John’s most boring singles! Does anyone still actually listen to that?!

I also don’t get the weird and wacky fund-raising activities people do. Shaving their heads, sponsored silence, running marathons, etc. Forget all that, just say you’re raising money! Why make an idiot of yourself. “I’m raising money for breast cancer by sitting in a bathtub of baked beans for four hours.” Why?? That sounds awful! I’ll give you some money, just cut the bullshit! Is this for charity or for your ego? Do you want to tell people you helped raise money for cancer, or that you helped raised money by doing blah blah blah? You want the blah blah blah, because that way you sound cool, interesting, and fun. And you need something to put on Facebook. You want to stink of tomato sauce that badly, then do it in your own time without charging me first!

But that’s clearly not enough. As with everything now we need a brand, a name, a stunt, a spokesperson. Charity is a product just like everything else. Want an example? Look at how many different cancer charities there are. I realise there are different types of cancer, but there are way more cancer charities. We’re the cancer charity with a sports star as our mascot. We’re the cancer charity with the pink ribbons. We’re the cancer charity with the cool logo. And we’re all in competition with each other. Rather than pool their resources, they all want to be the ones to find the cure first just so they can say “I did it! Not them, me!”

Social etiquette

I just absolutely hate small talk, it’s so unnecessary. People force it on you by asking the same tired old questions, and they think they’re being nice, but all they’re doing is inconveniencing you. The classic is, “So what do you do?” and I just sigh and roll my eyes… For fuck’s sake, do they really care? Really? Or are they just giving me my turn first, so that they can then proudly tell me that they’re a Regional Supervising Technical District Executive Assistant of a Plastic Dog Turd factory? Who cares? ‘What do I do?’ It’s such a bizarre question when you think about it. “What do I do? I eat, sleep, and shit. What do you do?!”

Wouldn’t it be great if in a forced upon meeting you could just ask each other a few qualifying questions in order to determine if it’s worth wasting your breath on each other? It would save so much time!

– Hey, did you see the game last night?

– Nope! I have no interest in organised sports!

– Terrific!

– What’s your opinion on the RSC’s new production of Henry V?

– I have no idea what those words mean!

– Wonderful! Good luck in the coming business year, and let’s never speak to each other again!

There’s also the unwritten rule about how to greet someone you kinda sorta know but never really speak to. What happens when you see them on the street? Do you simply smile? Nod your head? Say hi? Do you even go as far as the ‘stop and chat?’ What if you’re a simply smile kind of person, but they’re a stop and chatter? Who has the right of way? And what if they’re with someone who is a head nodder? Which person here dictates the social etiquette? Nodder, smiler, or chatter? And… what if they’re on the other side of the road?? Does one of you now have to cross the street? I’m a nodder, I see a chatter on the other side of the road… shit, he’s crossing the street. He’s motioning to cross… God damn it! He wants a stop and chat! Shit! Someone please run him over! If there’s a fellow nodder motorist that can spot one of his own in distress, please help me out! Argh!

My perfect world would be:

Them: Hey, how you doing?

Me: Nope!

And I keep on walking.

And here’s a bit of practical advice when working in an open plan office. My absolute, number one, most important, critical rule about where to sit is to never, ever sit next to someone who talks a lot. And isn’t funny. A lot. Because not only will you have to hear their crappy puns, shitty Austin Powers impressions, and random pop culture references which are way past their expiration date – you will have to hear them all-the-live-long-day! And the worst, the absolute worst is heaven forbid they ever take a trip somewhere. Because on their first day back you will have to hear them tell the same damn anecdotes to each and every person that drops by throughout the day! The exact same stories, the exact same jokes, for at least a week.


Office clown: I’ve just got back from holiday, went to see the space needle

Passer by #1: Yeah? How was it?

Office clown: Pretty good. Lot of jetlag though, I was sleepless in Seattle! HA-HA-HA!

Passer by #1: Ha-ha!


Office clown: Guess where I’ve been? Just got back from holiday in America

Passer by #2: Long flight isn’t it?

Office clown: Yeah, I didn’t get much sleep. I was sleepless in Seattle! HA-HA-HA!


Office clown: I was in America these past two weeks. Didn’t get much rest, I was sleepless in Seattle! HA-HA-HA!


I kill myself