God is pissed off and holds an emergency board meeting

God:

Ok then, boys. I called you into to my office as I’ve been reviewing your work, and frankly I’m not impressed. People are killing each other, living in tyranny, supressing one another, the gap between rich and poor is bigger than ever. What gives? J.C, I’m looking at you. Talk to me.

Jesus:

Well, I did as you said. I was spreading a message of peace and love for all of mankind, and for some reason people took that to mean they should become anti-abortion, pro-death penalty, and prejudiced against homosexuals. Talk about doing a 180⁰!

Muhammad:

And I was spreading a message of charity, generosity, and social and economic justice, and for some reason people took that to mean they should wage wars, supress women, and have an ‘us against them’ mentality. And the state of their beards, don’t get me started!

Moses:

I was spreading a message of law and respect, and wanted to free my people from slavery, and for some reason people took that to mean that they should exclude themselves from the rest of society and not want to mix with the outside world. What, they think they’re better than everyone? Oy vey!

L. Ron Hubbard:

Ha-ha! That’s crazy! People actually believe that shit?

God:

OK, who let that guy in here?? Pete, I’m looking in your direction

St. Peter:

What? He told me if I let him in he would show me how to use one of those e-meter things*

God:

All right, just get him out of here! Oh boy, what am I going to do with you guys? J.C, Mo, the other Mo, you all failed me. You all tried to spread the word, and the people just got it twisted. That’s it, as far as I’m concerned its three shots and you’re out. This time I’m sending down a woman; see if that does the trick

St. Peter:

Yeah, and about time too!

Jesus:

Will she be a prostitute?! ‘Cos if you look at my track record you’ll see that I’m pretty smooth in that department!

Moses:

Will she be on her period?! They have those you know! Don’t let her touch you if she is!

Muhammad:

Never mind that, will she be a virgin?!

God:

All right, fellas. Just take it easy, just take it easy. Mo, you and your virgins! No, I’ve made up my mind and I think my gospel needs the feminine touch. At least they know how to multi-task! Meeting adjourned!

 

*Seriously, look it up. Its like a cosmic ray they use to tell if you are spiritually free of harmful past experiences in your life. Sort of like a psychiatrist inside a magic wand (but of course they don’t approve of psychiatry). And being Scientology, it aint free!

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