Black Friday = First world problems

Is this a food crisis in an impoverished nation? An image from a country in the midst of a civil war? Perhaps the aftermath of a devastating natural disaster?

Nope, its Black Friday in the UK.

(image courtesy of BBC news website, its NOT photoshopped!)_79361316_024904725-1

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Toilet humour

I have come to really, really hate going for a number two. It takes up entirely too much of my time. And I don’t mean each individual occurrence; I mean the fact that it’s a daily event, semi-daily if I’m lucky. It feels like such a waste of time, what’s the point of it going in one end if it has to come out the other? It just interrupts the flow of the day, can happen at any given moment, and a lot of the time there’s nothing you can do about it.

Each visit is like a horrific experience, I feel like a part of me has died and I’m no longer the same person. It just freaks me out to know that everyone does this as well; I don’t need to be aware of this. I don’t need to hear or smell it either. We should all have our own individual commode at least one hundred yards apart that no one else ever need to see, hear, or smell. Let’s treat it as the elephant in the room, we’d all be much happier.

And this is happens to everyone. Everyone. Think about it, an office full of people is just a few inches of flesh away from being a room full of floating turds. People are just walking around with this stuff inside them….

Evolution has failed us in this sense. Why are we producing waste products? Why can’t it all be converted into energy? If only we evolved so that this process is done as far away from our genitals as possible, because they have no business being in such close vicinity. Let’s admit it; if the two areas were kept apart it would be a lot easier to brace ourselves for oral sex knowing we’re well away from the danger zone. The view becomes a lot better, and there are no hidden surprises. We’d be more comfortable about what we’re penetrating as well,  I’m sure homosexuals would find this to be a great time saver if some of that maintenance is no longer required. Anal bleach all you want, we all know what’s going on behind the curtain.

There’s got to be a more convenient way for our body to process this. Maybe if we had a small opening on the end of our big toe where a small amount of waste is discharged, then when we’re done we’d just rub our foot in the ground like we’re stubbing out a cigarette. No fuss, no mess.

The only advantage I see at the moment is that it can be done sitting down, that really takes the pressure off. I love sitting down.

My biggest gripe though is you can’t even control it! If it wants out, its making that escape! No matter what the rest of your body is saying, your asshole has made up its mind. Brain – “But we’re not on the toilet yet!” Asshole – “I don’t care; the defences are breached. We gotta go!” Why does the asshole always get to win this fight?? My brain is not as powerful as my asshole.

Want to know a real, actual, true life story? On more than one occasion whilst at work I made up an excuse to quickly pop home (such as my brother is locked out, or I left my retainer at home), when all I really want to do is go home and take a sh*t. Nothing beats being on home territory.

Religion and Aliens

With this new book on religion and aliens (“Religions and Extraterrestrial Life” (Springer 2014), David Weintraub), I really do wonder how various groups would react if evidence of extra-terrestrial life was found. Or better still if we were actually visited by Martians. For one thing racism would end; it would be just us against them. So that can only be a good thing. But what about the fanatics, the brainwashed minority who are simply programmed the wrong way? Reckon extremists would dare start a holy war against E.T and his friends?

Picture the scene, Mr G. Had gets up in the morning and reviews his ‘to do’ list for the day:

Mr G. Had:

Hmm, let’s see, jihad on Israel, jihad on America. My blood sugar has gone through the roof, jihad on Reese’s Pieces! And now my fountain pen is starting to leak! OK, so jihad on Mont Blanc as well…

Follower:

Sir! The reports are true! The Martians have landed and have pointed the Death Star* right at us! They confirmed there is no such thing as God!

Mr G. Had:

Well, do I really have to spell it out? You know what to do by now. Give me a ‘J’, give me a ‘I’, give me a ‘H’…

Follower:

But, but, the Death Star!

Mr G. Had:

But nothing! Argh! I rue the day you were ever born! Jihad on prophylactics!

That’s exactly how it would happen, trust me. But how will everyone else in the world react? Let’s not be biased now:

Mormons: Life on other planets? I knew it all along!

Scientologists: Now this is what I paid my life savings for!

Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists: We don’t care. They kill us, fine. We’ll just get reincarnated and come back as one of them!

Jews: Meh, what are you going to do?

Christians are a bit of a mystery to me, they have more factions than the World of Warcraft , so I dunno. And then there are the atheists, such as myself (I’m sooo into atheism; I’m like a Shi’ite atheist). We’d probably just sit back with a drink and enjoy the fireworks. But there’s one significant group of people left: young people. Full of life, vigour, the world at their feet, untapped potential, brimming with youthful energy. Perhaps unsure of religion, still developing their spiritual side, what would they do? Take a selfie of course.

*I realise the Death Star has nothing to do with Martians, but it’s a gag, get over it… Wow, of all the groups of people mentioned I’m more concerned about offending Star Wars fans than anyone else!

You are a hipster douchebag if…

If any two or more of the following apply to you, then you are a hipster douchebag:

  • You own a pair of Beats headphones and actually paid full price for it. (Lil Wayne is paid to wear his in public, are you?)
  • You wear 1980s style oversized eye glasses when your eyesight is fine
  • You have tattoos and are neither a native Samoan, nor part of a neo nazi prison gang. At least they fucking stand for something, unlike a shitty butterfly wrapped in barbed wire or whatever the hell you have.
  • You’re a guy and wear skinny jeans. You have balls so let them breathe.
  • You’re a girl and dress like Cyndi Lauper without knowing who she actually is
  • You get the latest iPhone as soon as its released but are proud of being individual
  • You like the world to think you are proud of being a nerd, yet you are athletically gifted, popular at school, attractive to others, have self-confidence, can control your levels of perspiration in public, and your mother never picked out your clothes well into your late teens. You are not a nerd.
  • You listen to Mumford & Sons and think you can tell the difference between their songs. No you can’t. No one can
  • You have an oversized beard that took way too long to grow which you thinks makes you look manly but looks more like a toilet brush stuck to your chin
  • You button your top button but don’t know how to tie a tie

You are sheep. You are marks. Your waste your money, time, and effort on not being who you really are. If you’re lame then be lame. If you’re traditional, business like, beatnik, eclectic, boring, sporty, classical, punk, intellectual, mod, bohemian, posh, tomboy… then be just that. Just don’t be what the latest thing is just because it’s the latest thing.

God is pissed off and holds an emergency board meeting

God:

Ok then, boys. I called you into to my office as I’ve been reviewing your work, and frankly I’m not impressed. People are killing each other, living in tyranny, supressing one another, the gap between rich and poor is bigger than ever. What gives? J.C, I’m looking at you. Talk to me.

Jesus:

Well, I did as you said. I was spreading a message of peace and love for all of mankind, and for some reason people took that to mean they should become anti-abortion, pro-death penalty, and prejudiced against homosexuals. Talk about doing a 180⁰!

Muhammad:

And I was spreading a message of charity, generosity, and social and economic justice, and for some reason people took that to mean they should wage wars, supress women, and have an ‘us against them’ mentality. And the state of their beards, don’t get me started!

Moses:

I was spreading a message of law and respect, and wanted to free my people from slavery, and for some reason people took that to mean that they should exclude themselves from the rest of society and not want to mix with the outside world. What, they think they’re better than everyone? Oy vey!

L. Ron Hubbard:

Ha-ha! That’s crazy! People actually believe that shit?

God:

OK, who let that guy in here?? Pete, I’m looking in your direction

St. Peter:

What? He told me if I let him in he would show me how to use one of those e-meter things*

God:

All right, just get him out of here! Oh boy, what am I going to do with you guys? J.C, Mo, the other Mo, you all failed me. You all tried to spread the word, and the people just got it twisted. That’s it, as far as I’m concerned its three shots and you’re out. This time I’m sending down a woman; see if that does the trick

St. Peter:

Yeah, and about time too!

Jesus:

Will she be a prostitute?! ‘Cos if you look at my track record you’ll see that I’m pretty smooth in that department!

Moses:

Will she be on her period?! They have those you know! Don’t let her touch you if she is!

Muhammad:

Never mind that, will she be a virgin?!

God:

All right, fellas. Just take it easy, just take it easy. Mo, you and your virgins! No, I’ve made up my mind and I think my gospel needs the feminine touch. At least they know how to multi-task! Meeting adjourned!

 

*Seriously, look it up. Its like a cosmic ray they use to tell if you are spiritually free of harmful past experiences in your life. Sort of like a psychiatrist inside a magic wand (but of course they don’t approve of psychiatry). And being Scientology, it aint free!