50 shades of huh?

I find the concept of BDSM just oh-so-fascinating. I mean who the hell first came up with the idea that being tied up, whipped, smacked in the face, crawling on all fours, and being close to asphyxiation would be a good way to get your rocks off? Did it exist during the times of actual slavery, or did it come after? Were some of these plantation owners watching their crackers in action, beating the life out of these wretched souls, thinking to themselves, ‘You know what? I think I might want a piece of that. I wonder if I can get my wife, Betty Lou Annabelle Chastity Ford St Claire to hog tie me across our four poster bed, whip me like a government mule, and I’ll be damned if I don’t start shooting that mint julep like its homecoming!’

Seriously, how do you think that first conversation went? Before sado-masochism was an actual thing, before these things were spoken about in public, just how do you insert that into your after dinner conversation? You’d have to be subtle as shit. ‘No more pie for me this evening, dear. I want you to save some of those apples so you can shove them into my mouth until my jaw locks in place whist I produce my love-fountain sitting atop of our chamber pot. No need to discuss this with your father.’

You have to convince the other person to do it, and convince them that it turns you on. I’m certain bondage doesn’t exist in the animal kingdom, so it just goes to show the complexities of human sexuality and how far it has evolved. All you have to do is show a picture of a pair of handcuffs to a black man living in Arizona in 1934, and then show the same picture to a white, upper middle-class, cocaine snorting junior attorney with a trust fund and see how they react. Funny how history turns.

“We sure gave that dark-skinned coon what-for tonight, didn’t we?! Thinks he can escape? I tied that son-of-a-bitch down, put a muzzle on his face, rubbed his face in the dirt, and whipped him like a dog!”

“Yeah, that was hot”

“Sure was, we… wait, what?”

“I totally want you to do that to me tonight.”

“Do what to you tonight?!”

“The rope, the muzzle, the whipping. Everything. Everything.”

“You want me to treat you like a piece of shit?!”

“Yes, please! Please treat me like shit, I want it so bad! Just don’t tell anyone!”

Apparently word got out.


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