Do you have the urge to die young? Do you wish to destroy the health of your friends, loved ones, co-workers, and sometimes even complete strangers? Do you find yourself constantly drawn towards heart disease, cancer, and low birth-weight? If so, then why not take up smoking? Smoking is a scientifically proven and cost-effective method of significantly reducing your life expectancy, whilst giving you that wholesome, home-made heart failure like mom used to make. Smoking – the nation’s favourite pastime. Act now, because for a limited time only, we’re giving you the chance to kill two people with the price of one! Ask about our passive smoking policy for more details.
And for those of you contemplating suicide, smoking could be for you! As you come to terms with life and death, and sit on the fence over this mortal coil, smoking could be the answer! As you procrastinate, the nicotine will eliminate (your heart, liver, lungs, sinus, etc.) !
So why not start the day by coughing up some blood, then soothing the pain with that rich, smooth tobacco goodness. So don’t delay, smoke today!