50 shades of huh?

I find the concept of BDSM just oh-so-fascinating. I mean who the hell first came up with the idea that being tied up, whipped, smacked in the face, crawling on all fours, and being close to asphyxiation would be a good way to get your rocks off? Did it exist during the times of actual slavery, or did it come after? Were some of these plantation owners watching their crackers in action, beating the life out of these wretched souls, thinking to themselves, ‘You know what? I think I might want a piece of that. I wonder if I can get my wife, Betty Lou Annabelle Chastity Ford St Claire to hog tie me across our four poster bed, whip me like a government mule, and I’ll be damned if I don’t start shooting that mint julep like its homecoming!’

Seriously, how do you think that first conversation went? Before sado-masochism was an actual thing, before these things were spoken about in public, just how do you insert that into your after dinner conversation? You’d have to be subtle as shit. ‘No more pie for me this evening, dear. I want you to save some of those apples so you can shove them into my mouth until my jaw locks in place whist I produce my love-fountain sitting atop of our chamber pot. No need to discuss this with your father.’

You have to convince the other person to do it, and convince them that it turns you on. I’m certain bondage doesn’t exist in the animal kingdom, so it just goes to show the complexities of human sexuality and how far it has evolved. All you have to do is show a picture of a pair of handcuffs to a black man living in Arizona in 1934, and then show the same picture to a white, upper middle-class, cocaine snorting junior attorney with a trust fund and see how they react. Funny how history turns.

“We sure gave that dark-skinned coon what-for tonight, didn’t we?! Thinks he can escape? I tied that son-of-a-bitch down, put a muzzle on his face, rubbed his face in the dirt, and whipped him like a dog!”

“Yeah, that was hot”

“Sure was, we… wait, what?”

“I totally want you to do that to me tonight.”

“Do what to you tonight?!”

“The rope, the muzzle, the whipping. Everything. Everything.”

“You want me to treat you like a piece of shit?!”

“Yes, please! Please treat me like shit, I want it so bad! Just don’t tell anyone!”

Apparently word got out.

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Gun control

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press. It has come to my attention that some nights ago several innocent bystanders were shot dead in a High School parking lot. And this incident has annoyed me somewhat. This is yet just another example of the negative attitude that the liberal media of this country continue to uphold when it comes to the use of firearms. And I for one have had enough! It is every-American’s-God-given-right to carry a firearm on his person; it says so in our constitution! Now, it pains me to say this, but if these people had been carrying a weapon on their persons at the time, they would not have been prone to, and invited the opportunity to be attacked– and that’s the truth! I am sick and tired of these vile, lethal, unarmed terrorists walking the streets of this country inciting violence and inviting crime! Firearms save lives; it’s as simple as that. Statistics show that a person carrying a handgun is more likely to do the shooting than be shot himself! So what more do you want?! They are the most practical and versatile of all lethal weapons, easily accessible as part of a shoulder-holster, or nestling peacefully at the bottom of a school bag. I urge the members of this community to go out there and to use all of their intellect to apprehend these assailants, so that I may congratulate him on being true Americans! Then afterwards I’ll be a true American myself and see them executed!”

– every N.R.A member, ever

Bad news is Good news

Why do the media outlets keep publicising all these IS beheadings? Why do they keep scare-mongering and feeding their propaganda? Why? Because sensationalism sells, that’s why! Media moguls don’t want a society that is free, they want a society where they are free to make money!

If I was a young Muslim radical on the verge of extremism, seeing these images would make me think, “You know what? Those guys are winning. They’re the winning team, I want to win too”.

And why doesn’t the government step in? You can go to prison for comments made on Twitter, Facebook, for videos on YouTube. Why doesn’t the same rule apply to newspapers?? The media is quick to remove nude celeb photos, because heaven forbid we piss off Hollywood for fear they no longer grant us interviews and help us sell our tabloid!

“Put a graphic beheading image on the front page? No problem!”

“Nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence? Woah, woah, woah, that’s too far! Have some decency!” (I’m not saying they should put nude pics up, just get the hypocrisy)

Politicians and businessmen have been in bed together since the very beginning. We all know our leaders and newspaper editors are like two peas in a pod (David Cameron and Rebekah Brooks anyone?) Help sell my products, I’ll help fund your campaign.

Bad news is good news for them.

Why so serious?

I don’t really understand what ‘blasphemy’ means. I mean, I know the definition, but I don’t get why it matters. What happens if I say something about your religion/faith/culture that you don’t agree with? Does it shake the very foundations? What does it do? How can someone’s innocuous comments change anything in your life?

“That guy, er, y’know. He said something bad about Israel; I was so outraged the next day my foreskin grew back!”

“Don’t you dare create images of our prophets! That’s forbidden! We will however name our children after them, after all what are the chances they will turn out to be a bunch of fuck-tards?”

You want to know what really happens the day someone says something you don’t like? The exact same thing that happened the day before – Nothing.

Racists are lazy

I never really understood why the word ‘Paki’ is used as a racial slur against brown people (in the UK at least). Why does it have to be a derogatory term? It’s just an abbreviation! If you’re from Australia, you’re an Aussie. If you’re from Britain, you’re a Brit. So why all of a sudden is someone from Pakistan not allowed to be called a Paki??

Even to this day I still hear it in the streets, and all I can think to myself is, “Is that the best people can come up with?” Never mind being offended, I’m insulted they don’t put more effort in! Am I not good enough for them?! What’s happening to this country? Don’t we even have proper racists anymore?

I don’t even blame the guy who first came up with the word; I blame the guy that decided to take offence to it. That guy ruined it for everyone! If it was me I’d be like, “Paki? Is that the best you got? Dude, we’re going to be in your country a long time, you’ve got to try harder than that!”

ISIL/ISIS/IS, whatever

Ok, so say ISIL/ISIS/IS, whatever, get their way and the whole world follows Islam, then what? No more Christians, no more Jews, no more SpongeBob SquarePants, whatever the hell it is that they want. Now what do these jihadis do? Back to the day job? Did they even think this through???

Ali: So, I’m all set! Mission for Islam, ready to fight the infidel! Who do we attack first? America? Israel? Am I going into combat training? When do I get to fire a rocket?

Mustafa: Actually, we’re all set. The mission’s pretty much over

Ali: Come again?

Mustafa: Yeah, we won. We took over the world, everyone’s a Muslim.

Ali: Everyone?!

Mustafa: Yeah, dude, everyone. You’re a bit late!

Ali: Oh…

Mustafa: Yeah

Ali: So… So I guess I better get back to my admin job at the bus station… God, I got to pick the kids up from school, get some milk on the way home. I wasn’t planning on being alive, you know?

Mustafa: No rest for the wicked, eh?

Ali: You sure there’s nothing I need to blow up? Can I blow up a bus at least?

Mustafa: Hold on there, Wile E Coyote. Let’s take it down a notch. You want to blow something up; you take your ass down to a construction site and join a demolition company. We don’t need anyone freelancing in public now, capiche?